Entry #4

Dear Diary,

I have a confession.

Back in early 2013, shortly after I had moved to Fargo, I had such a terrible breakdown that I should have been put in a hospital. I was self-destructive and borderline suicidal. The only reason I didn’t get admitted was because of my brother. No, he didn’t rise up to save me or come to my aid. In fact, he didn’t even know how low I was.

I didn’t let myself get admitted because he was helpless back then. He didn’t drive. Didn’t wash dishes. Nothing. All he did was sit in front of his computer all day like he had done since I could remember. I had to take care of him before I could take care of myself.

Which is also why I went hungry.

I was out of work and on food stamps, and most of that income went to buying my brother pizza because it was the only thing he’d eat. And he’d load up, which meant I’d have very little for myself (no, he never shared his pizza). Of course, he was oblivious to all of this. In fact, he blames me for everything that went wrong while we lived in Fargo. Try as I might, I was either laid off or fired at every job I had taken while I lived there.

So why am I telling you all of this?

Well, part of it is because I’ve been really low these past few days. I’m not sure what brought it about, but it reminded me of this whole ordeal. And you know what? I envy my brother. Really, I do.

He’s one of those people that just seem to have everything go right. And others fawn over him and let him get away with stuff because he’s “special needs.”

Guess what.

So am I.

I’m autistic, I suffer from ADHD, anxiety, and PTSD, I have a learning disability when it comes to math, and—as if all that wasn’t enough—I’m schizotypal to boot. And, no, I’m not making any of this up for attention. I have copies of my test results right here in my filing cabinet that I can show you at a moment’s notice. The only thing I pretend is to be normal when, in fact, I’m somebody completely different. Nobody has ever seen the real me, and that is someone you never want to meet.

But I’m not broken enough to get the same help my brother got.

Back to Work

Dear Diary,

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve done a blog post. It’s also been a while since I’ve written anything. I feel guilty about making my fans wait and wait and wait for the next book. My anxiety has been spiking, and I’ve been feeling down, so I’ve been feeding my gaming addiction again instead of working.

Then I went to Montana for a week.

It’s amazing what having no internet can do to the system. I was able to finish an art project while I was there. While working on it, I got asked by multiple people about making custom gun cases (I was at a shooting event known as The Quigley). That spawned the idea for a whole ‘nuther company: Hidden Talent Designs. It’s family-owned and operated and will make custom leather gun cases, hardwood ammo boxes, and other works of art.

I also plan to sell my books in conjunction with the art. Two birds, one stone perhaps? But first, I have to finish them.

I will say that I was floored when I stumbled onto Inkitt and discovered people have been leaving me great reviews for The Glass Shadow (now known as The Archfiend Artifact). And that’s the outdated version! I can’t wait to see their reaction to the new, darker version of the story.

Speaking of “darker,” I’ve decided to pull The Archfiend Artifact out of a publishing deal. The imprint wanted to publish it if I turned the story a little darker, but I haven’t heard from them in a while, so I told them to forget it. I’m going to try my luck elsewhere instead.

And it’s July 1st. You know what that means?

Camp NaNo kicked off today. The writing event has previously given me a motivational boost, so maybe I can get some writing done. A minimum of 50,000 words in 30 days? Let’s do this!