Entry #4

Dear Diary,

I have a confession.

Back in early 2013, shortly after I had moved to Fargo, I had such a terrible breakdown that I should have been put in a hospital. I was self-destructive and borderline suicidal. The only reason I didn’t get admitted was because of my brother. No, he didn’t rise up to save me or come to my aid. In fact, he didn’t even know how low I was.

I didn’t let myself get admitted because he was helpless back then. He didn’t drive. Didn’t wash dishes. Nothing. All he did was sit in front of his computer all day like he had done since I could remember. I had to take care of him before I could take care of myself.

Which is also why I went hungry.

I was out of work and on food stamps, and most of that income went to buying my brother pizza because it was the only thing he’d eat. And he’d load up, which meant I’d have very little for myself (no, he never shared his pizza). Of course, he was oblivious to all of this. In fact, he blames me for everything that went wrong while we lived in Fargo. Try as I might, I was either laid off or fired at every job I had taken while I lived there.

So why am I telling you all of this?

Well, part of it is because I’ve been really low these past few days. I’m not sure what brought it about, but it reminded me of this whole ordeal. And you know what? I envy my brother. Really, I do.

He’s one of those people that just seem to have everything go right. And others fawn over him and let him get away with stuff because he’s “special needs.”

Guess what.

So am I.

I’m autistic, I suffer from ADHD, anxiety, and PTSD, I have a learning disability when it comes to math, and—as if all that wasn’t enough—I’m schizotypal to boot. And, no, I’m not making any of this up for attention. I have copies of my test results right here in my filing cabinet that I can show you at a moment’s notice. The only thing I pretend is to be normal when, in fact, I’m somebody completely different. Nobody has ever seen the real me, and that is someone you never want to meet.

But I’m not broken enough to get the same help my brother got.

Entry #3

Dear Diary,

I love back to school time.

No, I don’t have kids to send off to school. I love it because of all the writing supplies I get to stock up on. I get notebooks, pens, markers, index cards, folders, binders, et cetera all for pennies instead of dollars. When you’re as broke as I am, it’s better than Yule.

At the mention of Yule, my mind turns toward something else. Something just as exciting.

Lately, I’ve been advertising myself as a “Wiccan Fiction Author” on Facebook. I figure, why not? There’s Christian Fiction Authors. But I write about spells and energies instead of a deity. Anyway, this little change of job title has sparked some interest in the Pagan and Wiccan circles I’m a part of. Now I have a whole new fanbase for The AEON Files.

Now if only I could get Amazon to add Wiccan Fiction as a category…

Since we’re on the subject of writing (no surprises there, eh?), I’ve finished outlining the Helsing’s Watch series. It’s going to be 13 novellas long. Roughly 50 chapters. In other words, my count for the number of books I have left to write just skyrocketed.

My pile of book outlines

Let me count them out…

Dragon Diaries 1, books 1 and 2
Dragon Diaries 2, books 1 and 2
Dragon Diaries 3, books 1, 2, and 3
Dragon Diaries 4, books 1 and 2
Mars Chronicles, books 1, 2, and 3
Tomes of Rishai, books 1, 2, and 3
The AEON Files, books 1 thru 12
The AEON Files 2, books 1 thru 12
WEIRD Chronicles, books 1 thru 5
Helsing’s Watch, books 1 thru 13
TOTAL = 57

Ho-lee smokes! I’m going to be busy for a while.

*rubs hands together*

Better get started.

Entry #2

Dear Diary,

First, a couple writing updates.

I’ve been stuck on The Archfiend Artifact for a while now, but I finally made some headway. All I have to do is rewrite chapter 17 and rearrange a few others before continuing on. My estimate puts it at about 67,000 words once it’s complete. Right now, it’s sitting at 53,200, but I’m missing a good portion of the middle.

Something else I’m just beginning to work on: another series. This one will be written under my new pen name JT LeFae (Jezzarie Taylor LeFae). This is due to the erotic nature of the tales, and my want to keep them separate from the others I write. This new series will still be paranormal, but they’ll have detailed sex scenes in them. Why? Because, unfortunately, sex sells.

And I need practice for The Tainted Soul.

Now for something a lot more personal…

There are a couple of questions that haunt me like a plague. They are: Why don’t you get out of the house and do something?; How are you?; and What do you have to be anxious about?

Well, let me answer those right now.

How am I?

I can never truthfully answer that without bringing up personal stuff. I want to say, “I’m suffering from depression, anxiety, and constant stabbing pain in my hip, but thanks for reminding me.” Instead, I simply answer, “Still alive,” which is the truth, but makes me sound suicidal–been there, done that; don’t recommend it.

What am I anxious about?

There’s too many things to name, but if you really want to know… Is someone going to hit me with a car? (walking/driving); Is someone going to attack me? (it’s happened); What if someone runs over my dog?; Is someone going to mug me?; Why is that person staring at me?; Is that person following me?; What if the house catches fire while I’m gone? And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Why don’t I get out and do something?

With no money and near-constant anxiety any time I go somewhere, getting out of the house is a nightmare. Not that there’s anything to do in North Dakota anyway. Join a club? – Too many people; Go to a bar? – Too many people and against my vows; Go to a movie? – No money; Go swimming? – Hate it and allergic to 99.99% of swimsuits; Go fishing? – Against my vows; Go camping? – Can’t drive the RV and no money; Travel? – Love to, but no money.

I’m comfortable at home, but easily bored (I’ve heard it’s a downside of a 189 IQ). So I feed my gaming addiction by playing Skyrim or World of Warcraft or the like. There are still a few anxious thoughts that hit me like a runaway bullet train; most notably: Is the furnace going to explode?; Is my dog going to escape the yard and get hit by a car?; Is someone going to break in?

I hate it. I hate feeling scared all the time, but I can’t seem to reprogram my brain to not think of these things. So I suffer in silence and pretend everything is hunky-dory.

PS, It is difficult to write with four dogs curled up on my lap.

Back to Work

Dear Diary,

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve done a blog post. It’s also been a while since I’ve written anything. I feel guilty about making my fans wait and wait and wait for the next book. My anxiety has been spiking, and I’ve been feeling down, so I’ve been feeding my gaming addiction again instead of working.

Then I went to Montana for a week.

It’s amazing what having no internet can do to the system. I was able to finish an art project while I was there. While working on it, I got asked by multiple people about making custom gun cases (I was at a shooting event known as The Quigley). That spawned the idea for a whole ‘nuther company: Hidden Talent Designs. It’s family-owned and operated and will make custom leather gun cases, hardwood ammo boxes, and other works of art.

I also plan to sell my books in conjunction with the art. Two birds, one stone perhaps? But first, I have to finish them.

I will say that I was floored when I stumbled onto Inkitt and discovered people have been leaving me great reviews for The Glass Shadow (now known as The Archfiend Artifact). And that’s the outdated version! I can’t wait to see their reaction to the new, darker version of the story.

Speaking of “darker,” I’ve decided to pull The Archfiend Artifact out of a publishing deal. The imprint wanted to publish it if I turned the story a little darker, but I haven’t heard from them in a while, so I told them to forget it. I’m going to try my luck elsewhere instead.

And it’s July 1st. You know what that means?

Camp NaNo kicked off today. The writing event has previously given me a motivational boost, so maybe I can get some writing done. A minimum of 50,000 words in 30 days? Let’s do this!